Been dealing very closely lately with being more and more human. Coming to terms with my imperfections and embracing my faults with as little judgement as possible. It hasn’t been easy. Part of that is being gentle with myself when I don’t make the time to sit down and write after class. Realistically, that is going to happen more often than I would like. Sometimes the day just isn’t anything remarkable enough and I’m not so compelled to get my thoughts down. There was a really nice moment in class yesterday when for a few moments, the entire room became completely still as we were holding a seated twist pose. That was pretty magical. There were other things I could write about, but perhaps I will another time.
Today’s class was energetic and fun. I couldn’t get a solid grip on a clear intention and my thoughts were all over the place, but I felt like I got an excellent workout and sometimes that’s just what I need. Nothing too interesting happened throughout class, but during savasana I noticed that the left side of my body completely let go, but the right side was holding pretty tight. I began to meditate on the feeling of surrender and how the left side of the body represents the feminine part of us and the right side represents our masculine. I asked the masculine part of me why it wasn’t letting go and it’s response was that it wanted to keep me safe. That it needed to remain alert and vigilant at all times to protect me if necessary.
Now that is indeed a noble enough reason to maintain tension, but frankly, I’m exhausted from living a life where I feel like I can never truly let go and soften. That part of me has indeed protected me from many things that could harm me, but by being on 100% of the time, it has also kept me from things I’ve really wanted. I tried to negotiate with it, but it was very reluctant to give up its sworn duty. Finally I explained to it that my higher self had a much better vantage point with which to identify dangers well ahead of them happening and asked if it would be willing to work together with my higher self. Ultimately, it agreed that if my higher self promised to alert it to anything that was impending, and allow it time to ready its defenses, that it would remain still until needed or called upon. My higher self committed sincerely to this task and my masculine agreed to modify it’s order of operations. Suddenly, the right side of my body melted into the floor.
In that moment I was acutely aware of the distinct definition between the masculine and feminine pieces of me. I was split down the center of my body with both occupying their own separate spaces. As the music swelled in the background a beautiful thing happened. My masculine asked my feminine to dance with it. The two parts of my energy began to twirl lovingly inside of me. Each spun around and around, flowing in and out of each side of my body. Together they both touched places in me they never had before. Each one introducing the other to these unknown space. As they continued to dance, their edges disappeared and merged into one homogenous, luminous being. They were now one complete essence, but never lost anything that either was before.
It is said that in each human man, there is also a woman part inside of him. In each woman, there is also a man inside. Watching these pieces of me dance and glide around together, I realized that the masculine parts of us must also have a feminine part inside. The feminine part of us too must also have a masculine part. That masculine part must also have a feminine part, and vice versa. On and on these divisions must continue infinitely. With this realization I was for those brief moments able to completely unify the dichotomy of the masculine/feminine “opposition”. Realizing that it is so difficult to merge the masculine and feminine within because they are not actually separate in the first place. Realizing that maybe we don’t have to do anything to bring them together at all. That the more we try, the less we are able to do it because when we see them as separate entities, we believe falsely in the extreme expressions of what is actually one thing. That maybe we only have to realize that they are not separate after all, and never have been.
Today’s savasana was significantly shorter than I would have hoped so I was unable to delve deeper into this new found insight. I will most definitely be sitting in contemplation and awareness with this much more in the very near future. I will certainly report back when I have a more clear handle on it. For now, I am grateful to have this thread to follow and to feel like I’m yet another step closer to experiencing the liberation and unity I’ve been long seeking.
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